Running for Change

by Kyo

Everyone has a story that explains who they are and how and why they became that way. I believe that without actually knowing someone’s story you can appreciate but never fully understand why one does things a certain way or why one is a certain way. We all try to live what we believe is a balanced life for ourselves. We take care of our basic financial responsibilities to have shelter, food, and clothing. We have relationships with people we love and care about. We have opinions and our own rules that we believe are solid, rational, and good so that’s what we live by. We do this based on our life’s story.

This is my story…

It was the week after I turned 37 years old that I hit rock bottom, in what to me seemed like a dark black hole in all aspects of my life. I had been used to life throwing me constant pebbles, but now the pebbles were replaced by boulders, and I lost it. No, I won’t go into what the pebbles and boulders were (because “hardship” is subjective and everyone has their own level and idea of what it means) but will say that they have once again been replaced by pebbles!

After I went through “my” rock bottom, I hid out (not literally). I stayed home a lot! Didn’t want to do anything (ok, plus I couldn’t afford to do anything for me or my girls). For months all I did was think, and not the kind of thinking where I was wondering how am I going to get out of this black hole. NO! I went deeper than that and thought about me. Thought about why I ran away from things that were emotionally hard. (HA! Actually I ran before it got hard, which in fact made it so much harder.) We all think about “meaning” at certain times in our lives. I’m a thinker, so for me it happened all the time. But what good does it do to constantly think and not do things about to change anything? What exactly am I learning then? Just words and thoughts, NO ACTION!

Enough rambling. Somewhere along the lines of me staying home and doing all my soul searching, I decided to run a marathon. I needed to do something because all the over-thinking and stressing was causing me to have these pre-seizure symptoms and I could NOT afford to have another seizure. So a marathon, one of the hardest things in my mind to ever try to do (and always adamantly said I would never do). I NEEDED this to prove something to myself. I took the one thing that I KNEW would be hard physically and emotionally to prove something to myself instead of trying to prove something to others. To prove that I can face it and not run away.

Ok, now I’m in “training” mode, and the first week of training I knew what to expect, and OH THE PAIN!!!! I stuck through it and gradually built my way up. All good! Right?

Yes, but my story isn’t about me working through everything to finally accomplish the marathon (it’s not until October and in fact I’ve decided not to do it). My story is about what training for the marathon has given me, which is so much more then I ever thought it would.

PATIENCE. Yes, I can finally admit that before I had very little patience with people, with life’s path, and would do things my way even if it did hurt me in the end. But with running, you have to have patience, teaching yourself not to push yourself too hard in the beginning, gradually working your way up to the miles.

ACCEPTANCE. Oh, selfish little spoiled me, I had such a hard time accepting people’s answer if they wouldn’t give in to me and what I wanted. With running, you have to accept things for how they are and see where it goes. I can’t go run a 5 minute mile just because I want to. You work towards it — when and if it happens. You appreciate the hell out of it!!!!! If it doesn’t happen, then you let it go because you know that it wasn’t your lack of drive that prevented it from happening.

FACING EMOTIONAL PAIN. I used to talk all big and bad like I could do anything, but I was the biggest wimp and didn’t follow through with anything. Never underestimate the fear of pain (no matter how it’s caused). Any kind of pain I would feel made me turn around and run away. Yes, I used to be a GREAT “runner”, just wasn’t the kind of runner I want to be.

I tell you what, nothing like trying to run your first 9, 10, 11, and so on to feel some physical pain that you want to run away from. Nothing like thinking about, how are you going to keep the utilities on for the sake of your kids???? The feeling of emotional pain that washes over your entire body makes you want to stop moving. But you push your way through it all, and you run. Why? Every bit of pain that is felt during the run is teaching you to deal with the pain in the “non-running” part of your world.

CONFIDENCE. Never in my life before now have I ever felt so confident about who I am, how I am, how I look.. Never in my life before now have I ever NOT tried to convince someone of who I thought I was to try and believe it myself. Really, the saying where you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else is the truest saying that I’ve come to know.

I guess somewhere along the lines of learning and changing into “ME” I had the confidence fairy come along and gave me a big extra dose to make up for all the years of not having it. I love my “man” legs because those legs are what get me through the long runs and the god awful hills. I won’t say I love my chest, but you know, losing weight as you run changes your body in ways that you wouldn’t choose if you had the choice of where you would lose it. I don’t worry about my decisions I make anymore, because I know I took the time to think it out before I made them. I won’t always make the right decisions but I will always learn from all of them.

Honestly, I could go on and on because there are so many facets to me running and how it’s changed everything about me… Since all of this happening, I’ve decided to not do the marathon, but will do the half instead. Somewhere along the lines of all my training, my running has evolved into a bit more then trying to “complete” something hard in my life. I suppose that came with me knowing that I can do it now rather then hoping, praying, and asking for a miracle.

I want to know how far I can go with this running and will bump up on my training to the next level (whatever that means). but I did 14 miles in 1:45 so I’m thinking yeah I can step up my game. If you knew who I was, then you would know that me running that long in that time is like me winning the gold medal at the Olympics. LOL.

Call me lucky and loved because I get a lot support from my three girls, and my very close friends who happen to know my story and support me. Call me lucky because the once stubborn person who really needs to learn life lessons the hard way has finally actually learned something from life being so hard. Call me VERY lucky because I did and do have a rough road ahead of me, but am fortunate for what I already have, and I appreciate everything! The cup of Starbucks coffee that was bought for me, the way my daughter sternly asks if that donut is part of my training, the different dynamics that people have, the levels of what each person has in regards to being trustworthy and kind, the love of my heritage and the culture that I so tried to dismiss, I appreciate the struggles that everyone goes through no matter how big or small it may be. I admire how the struggles make them who they are even if it may not always be compatible with me as a person. Yes, call me very lucky because I will never forget and I’m reminded of it every time I step outside to run. When I tell anyone how running has changed my life, it’s such an understatement because I can never fully describe how much it actually has.